Prostate Cancer and Your Relationship

Dealing with his emotions as well as your own can be hard. There will be more chance for miscommunication and misunderstanding that can lead to hurt and feelings of loss, isolation or anger on your part. If his sexuality is affected by prostate cancer, you may struggle to deal with this - even if he remains attentive and loving. If he becomes incontinent you may find this puts you off being intimate.

Acknowledge your emotions without trying to control or hide them. Talk to your partner about how you feel and encourage him to speak openly with you. Let him know that the condition and its consequences are not 'his' problems alone - they are challenges that you both share. The way you respond can be very important: try to put yourself in his position rather than offering solutions - it is best to say 'I understand you are feeling angry/anxious/upset . . .' rather than 'it's OK, everything will be fine. . .'. Be sensitive to his mood; if you seem overly cheerful when he is feeling particularly low he may feel you don't understand what he is actually going through. There will also be times when just being there is enough.

TALKING IS NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY

Your partner may well take his anger and frustration out on you - it's not you he is angry with, it's his cancer, you are just the nearest thing he can vent his anger on. He is likely to need more reassurance than usual and become unable to focus on anything except his treatment. This will be difficult to cope with and you could feel resentment that your needs are being ignored. Don't forget you can use the support available for yourself as well as your partner. Remember it is also important that you both have space to reflect and be alone.

There will be times your partner cannot cope with thinking too far ahead, or simply doesn't want to talk about the cancer; remember that listening is an important ingredient of communication. It can be difficult in a home or hospital setting to communicate well. Choosing a good time and place for talking can be crucial. Set aside time when you know you will not be interrupted. Try to move out of your usual environment if possible - go out for a meal, go away for a weekend, go for a walk in the countryside or have a day out.

Physical contact can show you care - a gentle touch, a kiss or a hug is important. Even simple things like bringing up a cup of tea in bed can speak volumes. Planning 'normal' activities such as a birthday party or a holiday can be enormously helpful.

If your relationship was already a difficult one, the prostate cancer may make it harder than ever for you to cope together. If talking it through with your partner is not helping, you may need to enlist extra help with relationship problems - maybe from one of the telephone helplines given on the cancer or prostate cancer websites you have found on your internet search. Discussing your problems with someone impartial can help you both to work towards resolving your difficulties.

Involve your Children
If you have children you will probably be concerned about how much to tell them. You need to talk to your partner about how much information you give them and how you involve them in your partner's treatment. This will depend on the age of your children and how you feel they will deal with the issues raised. Every family is different, but a policy of honesty is likely to be the best approach. Don't be afraid to show strong emotions in front of them. If you hide your feelings your child will not learn how to deal with their own and may instead become very frightened by them. Letting out the tension together, crying if you need to, can be very supportive for all of you.

Deal head-on with your feelings about your physical relationship
You cannot catch the cancer from your partner and sex is not discouraged. He may become impotent or suffer a degree of erectile dysfunction (also known as ED), either as a result of the prostate cancer itself, or after the treatment. Talk to the doctor before treatment about the probability of this or other side effects for your partner.

Even if ED is not a problem, your partner's treatment is likely to be exhausting and he may lose interest in sex altogether for a while. This may be difficult to cope with emotionally. You may also be concerned about hurting your partner if he has had surgery. It is important to talk about these changes so that your partner does not begin to worry that you no longer find him attractive. Planning a gentle re-introduction of sex into your relationship is a good approach.

If your partner does become impotent or develop ED, your emotions can be very mixed about this. You are not alone; many individuals have partners who have developed ED because of prostate cancer.

Your partner may also have strong feelings, but will probably feel embarrassed and be reluctant to talk about the problem. You will need to be very tactful when broaching the subject. To get a dialogue going, try a simple statement such as, 'I have a problem and I need your help'. This will take him off the defensive. Then tell him how you feel. Encourage him to share his feelings, and try to do this in a non-demanding and open way.

If you both want sexual intercourse but it is interrupted by ED, visit your doctor together to talk about the problem; he/she will be able to help you find the right solution for you. The best way to calm the emotions, reduce fear and resolve the sexual problems is to consider, as a couple, your options for effective treatment.

Work it out together
You need to be realistic about the likely progress of the cancer, the probable side effects of treatment and their effect on your life together and that of your family. The majority of side effects are temporary, and most men with prostate cancer are able to resume a normal life very soon after their treatment.

Many couples find that although prostate cancer puts a strain on their relationship, they come out of it feeling closer than before. When you both get 'back on track', it is important to put longer-term plans in place, for example by booking a holiday for next year. Be aware though that the changed roles in your relationship may not revert to how they were, and there may be further readjustments to make once the treatment is over. However, if you can get through the cancer together, your ability to deal with other hurdles will be improved and you will almost certainly find your lives are enriched.