Get Good Information
The more you know about prostate cancer, the more you will understand what your spouse or partner is facing; the symptoms, treatment, side effects and outcomes. This knowledge will help reduce some of your worries. He may look to you to help him understand available treatments and make decisions.
BEING ARMED WITH INFORMATION HELPS YOU FEEL MORE IN CONTROL
Your doctor should have given you good information; if not, ask for it. There are also organisations whose websites give information that you will find useful. An internet search will enable you to find them but be aware that information and advice on some sites is not as reliable as others. If you are in doubt check it out . Many websites supply information about support groups, and links to other relevant websites; many also have helplines and supply booklets, videos and audiotapes for information, as well as lists of other publications that you might wish to purchase. Many of these are written by men who have survived prostate cancer and they are often a good source of information and support.
Too much information can be confusing and increase your anxiety. Take time to let the information sink in and talk about it with the healthcare staff. No question is silly or irrelevant, if you are in doubt check it out!
Write things down
You may find it helpful to write down what has happened each day and how you feel about it. Research shows that if people write down their worries, even if they do not show them to anyone else, it can help to release the stress. It can also help you to understand your feelings and why they change so quickly, as well as making it easier for you to recognise if you need additional help.
Ask the Doctor Questions
Ask your partner how he feels; he may want you with him for all his appointments or he may prefer to go to some or all of his appointments alone. If he's happy for you to go with him, it is helpful to hear first-hand what the doctor has to say. It is a good idea to write down any questions you think of before you attend. People say that their mind goes blank as soon as they walk into the consulting room, so it is useful to have something to remind you of the important questions. It's also a good idea to take notes about w hat the doctor says so that you can refer back to them later.
If you don't understand something, ask the doctor to explain it another way until you do. Don't worry about asking simple or silly questions; the doctor will want to be sure you have the information you need. If you're not sure you understand, it can be a good idea to reply by saying something like 'so you mean that ....?'. That way the doctor will be able to give you a simpler explanation if you need it. Never stop asking questions as long as you have them.
Ask for Professional Help
Health professionals are there to offer help and advice. The first people you will deal with are probably the doctor and nurses treating your spouse or partner. They will be able to advise you where to find support, but don't wait to be asked. If you feel you need extra help or support ask for it. Many hospitals have specialist nurses who can help you and your partner understand better the diagnosis of cancer.
You might find all your feelings are becoming overwhelming and you cannot cope, or you might feel that you are becoming depressed. Depression is an unusual reaction, but you should be aware of the possibility (see below). If you do think you or your partner are depressed, or that you are not coping with your emotions, you need to ask your doctor for help. He/she will be able to refer you for specialist help if you need it. Some people want to be alone to sort out their feelings, others prefer to talk it through; it's important you have the space and freedom to do what's right for you.
Depression: spot the signs
If you find you want to be alone most of the time and you are not usually like this, it may be a sign of depression. Look out for the symptoms of:
- lethargy
- loss of interest in things you would normally have enjoyed
- inability to concentrate
- irritability
- not wanting to eat
- not being able to sleep.
It can be quite difficult to realise or admit that you are becoming depressed, so do listen to your family and friends if they say they think you need professional help. Find a prostate cancer support group
It is likely that a prostate cancer support group exists in your community - or nearby. Your doctor or nurse should be able to help you find one, or you could use the phone directory or look on one of the websites for cancer or prostate cancer. Local support groups are usually run by men and their supporters who have had prostate cancer, so you can both benefit from others' experiences of facing the same challenges. Attend together with your partner; getting and giving help could help you to cope better.
Some people prefer to join an internet support group for cancer. They are easy to join and can be valuable for both you and your partner. You can remain anonymous if you wish, just reading other people's messages. Once you feel more confident you will be able to share some of your own thoughts and feelings. You might prefer to use telephone support lines or email support. You can find out about all of these from the organisations you can find through an internet search.
Enlist the help of family and friends
You may have friends and relations who understand you well and can help to support you both. However, it's also possible that people who know you well may feel awkward and not know what to say when they see you. You may even feel they are avoiding you. This doesn't mean they don't care, just that they don't know how to help. If you are open and talk about how you are feeling, you will soon find out who is able or willing to respond to your needs. Some will be good at listening, others will be better at giving practical help, but it's important you keep seeing people and do not become isolated. Even if you think you are coping well, there will be times when you need a break or some help.
ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT. ACCEPT IT WHEN IT'S OFFERED.
It may be easier to talk to someone you don't know quite so well, a neighbour, a work colleague or a religious leader. If you are a person who prefers not to talk about your thoughts or feelings but wants to get on with day-to-day life make that clear to the people around you as well.
Think about whether you need time off work
If you need a break from work, you may be entitled to take compassionate leave, dependency leave or unpaid leave to help you do this. Talk to your employer - it may be possible for you to change your working arrangements so you can work from home.
Take Good Care of Yourself
Supporting your spouse or partner with prostate cancer may bring you closer together, but it may be demanding and exhausting too, physically and emotionally. Juggling these new demands with your usual ones will not be easy. You don't have to feel in control all the time and you need to find an outlet for your emotions. It is essential that you take time out to relax and do things you enjoy - individually and with your partner. Focusing on something else - a night out with your friends, a massage or a brisk walk can help. Organising little treats can be just as helpful, for example a long bath with a good book or watching your favourite television programme with a glass of something is good therapy too!
Your health is important too. Look after yourself. Give yourself time to come to terms with the news.
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